Time for an Encore, Part III
Originally posted on paulastonewilliams.com on September 18, 2023
The awakening to my abiding shadows took place, in fair measure, because the world now receives me as a woman. People do not give the benefit of the doubt to women that they give to men. And who are the worst offenders? Other women. That’s right, it turns out women can be pretty cruel to one another, quick to judge, constantly comparing you to themselves and others. Often they are wrong. I mean, like, really wrong.
It has always been painful to have people point out flaws I know to be true. It is painful because they tend to be the same flaws I’ve been dealing with my entire adult life. And my recognition, awareness, and ownership of them does not provide much relief, other than the relief that goes along with embracing the truth.
It is quite another experience to be accused of actions that are not based in any kind of reality. Often it is the other person projecting onto me their own way of operating. Sometimes it is transference, when a person redirects their feelings about another person onto me. That happens a lot with therapists and pastors. You end up the recipient of pain that should be directed at the person with whom they are really angry. Instead, it’s easier to transfer that anger onto you.
Sometimes the origin is a mystery to me; I just know I am being accused of behavior or motives that are not remotely true. “Did that happen often as a guy?” you ask. No, it did not. And learning to handle the gossip, innuendo, and judgment has been one of the most difficult parts of being a woman. I see why a lot of women prefer friendships with men to friendships with women. They are less complicated.
The redemptive part of the judgment is the awakening to my legitimate abiding shadows, the ones not confronted when I was Paul. I’m reminded of Rilke’s concept of life’s necessary defeats in his poem, The Man Watching, which ends with these words, “Winning does not tempt that man. This is how he grows, by being defeated decisively, by constantly greater beings.”
Such criticism, both justified and unjustified shook my self-confidence. No wonder women are always apologizing for themselves. They are constantly being told they are doing it all wrong.
Reengaging With an Encore Life
A couple of years after the Humpty Dumpty experience of having a great fall, I finally emerged from the dark night of the soul, or the dark cave of the hero’s journey, or whatever analogy you want to use that mirrors the pain of waking from a bad dream only to realize it is not a dream at all, but a cold, stark reality. Slowly I found my footing again, and I was ready to reengage the world, one day at a time .
Three years after my transition I did a TEDTalk that has had to date, almost 7 million views. That talk was quickly followed by two others that have had another three million views. Those talks ushered me into the world of TED and the largest TEDx in North America, TEDxMileHigh. I became a Speaker’s Ambassador for TED, a great honor, and a Memorization and Delivery Coach for TEDxMileHigh, another wonderful honor.
That first TEDTalk gave me fifteen minutes of fame, and an international platform for speaking to corporations, conferences, and universities on gender inequity, the subject of my talk. It also gave me a contract with Simon & Schuster for my memoir, As a Woman – What I Learned About Power, Sex, and the Patriarchy After I Transitioned.
We all have abilities, gifts, and pinnacle gifts. An ability is something you are good at but do not particularly enjoy. For me, that is doing the finances for RLT Pathways, the company Cathy and I own. I’m good at it, but I don’t like it. A gift is something you are good at that you enjoy so much you lose track of time when you are doing it. Writing, counseling, leading – those are gifts I am blessed to enjoy. A pinnacle gift is something at which you are so good that people say, “That is your sweet spot. It is where you excel.” Your pinnacle gift is what you do that is most affirmed by others. For me, it is public speaking. Whether doing a keynote for a corporation, a sermon for a church, emceeing a TEDxMileHigh event, or a television interview, I am blessed to hear people say, “This – this is your sweet spot.”
As Paul, my speaking was all related to ministry. As Paula, it has expanded to corporate, university, and conference speaking, not to mention my good fortune with TED.
When searching for an encore life, your new career or offerings to the world will always be within the realm of your gifts or pinnacle gifts. And often it will arrive unexpectedly. Through my speaking for TED and TEDxMileHigh, I have discovered I truly love coaching other speakers. I emcee events for TEDxMileHigh and it is an honor getting the crowd ready for each speaker. But I love coaching those speakers even more. That is the highest honor, helping people with incredible ideas, big enough to be chosen for a TEDTalk, and helping those people present their ideas in the most compelling way possible.
That, I discovered, was a new gift, born out of my decades of public speaking. A new gift emerging at the time most people are retiring. Who knew? The truth is that it can be true for anyone, if you give yourself permission to be open to new opportunities, and allow your soul to soar.
After my transition I also continued my counseling practice, and found it naturally moving in a direction I did not anticipate, working with people in C-suite positions at corporations. I am as comfortable working with men as I am working with women. I understand the experiences of both genders because I have the unique experience of having lived in both genders.
That is another element of creating an encore – finding gifts that are uniquely yours, and offering those gifts to the world.
Part 4 to come.
